How To Truly Get To Know the Person You Just Started Dating
Rethink common dating questions and activities if you want a serious relationship.
“First dates are like job interviews with cocktails,” Carry Bradshaw from the TV series Sex and the City once lamented to her friends after having a string of disappointing dates. As someone who also has dozens of first dates on her record, I can fully understand Carrie’s comment. Except that I’m not the cocktail-drinking type of person. I prefer to sip a cup of coffee.
Getting to know a potential partner in a cozy café or restaurant is a custom that has existed for ages. Two lonely souls are supposed to get closer during a question-and-answer ping-pong. But how well do two people get to know each other if they keep asking questions like in a job interview?
Can you tell me something about yourself?
What school did you go to?
What dream do you want to fulfill someday?
(also known as: Where do you see yourself in five years?)
These and many other questions are not insignificant but as predictable as sunrise and sunset. So you can be sure that your candidate rehearsed his or her answers many times in the past.
What am I getting at?
Well, I firmly believe that a rehearsed “job interview” isn’t beneficial for anyone. Looking deeper into someone’s soul from the start takes more than that. Let me show you what I mean.
Go on a Little Adventure With Your Date.
Two people hardly get to know each other better than having to overcome a challenge together. The idea is to choose an activity that involves movement and adventure rather than sitting in a coffee shop.
Let’s say you found each other on a dating app. You know that the other person is into water sports, for example, canoeing. If you happen to like being on the water, you may suggest going down a river together in a canoe. Why? Because activities like canoeing require two people to take responsibility for each other and be cooperative, brave, and persistent. So it’s a great opportunity to discover whether your potential partner has these traits.
Or you can suggest an activity you are passionate about. For example, invite your date to a hiking tour if you like hiking. Choose a route that isn’t too easy. Remember, it should be challenging but also fun for both of you.
In short, showing qualities is more exciting than just talking about them. First, consider what qualities are most important to you in a potential partner. Then choose an activity that will require these qualities the most.
Involve People You Trust in Your Rendezvous.
A classic date, as we all know, is between two people. But how will you know if the person has social skills if you don’t see them interacting with other people?
You may occasionally talk to strangers in public places, such as a waitress in a bar. However, interactions with strangers are usually kept to a minimum. And strangers won’t give you feedback on your date afterward.
World-renowned couples therapist Esther Perel recommends that potential couples include people they trust on their first dates. I occasionally had my friends or sister around me on a date. That may sound weird to many people. But I was glad my loved ones noticed important details about my date that I wouldn’t have been able to see on my own. Plus, I got to observe how the guy treated my people.
If you want to include your friends or other people, ensure they don’t act as chaperones or interrogate your date. You should all meet in a casual environment. For example, you can attend a festival together or meet for a barbecue. Also, make sure you and your date get some privacy if needed. This way, you won’t feel like you’re constantly under observation.
Dare To Ask Deep Questions.
The usual job interview questions, as mentioned, only scratch the surface. You’ll mainly get rehearsed answers from your counterpart. So, how about asking more profound questions? I mean those questions that relate to your date’s beliefs, values, and attitudes. Ultimately, these are the points that determine the success or failure of a relationship.
I know it’s not easy to ask an almost stranger deep questions. So you might formulate them indirectly.
Here are a few examples:
- What’s the last book you read?
Since not many people read books regularly these days, the latest book your date chose to read must have been all the more meaningful. You’ll find out what topic particularly inspires the other person. - What do you do to recharge your batteries after a stressful time?
You will learn what the other person feeds their mind and body with. It can be their faith, spending time with loved ones, or something else. - What would you do if you were given a million dollars?
Your counterpart’s answer will reveal much about their biggest dreams, values, and how they spend money. - Would you still be working if you were financially independent?
This question refers to the importance of a career in your potential partner’s life. Someone who wants to continue working long hours despite having financial freedom may seem committed and passionate. But it’s also possible that career comes first and everything else second for such a person.
Let’s Recap
The world of dating is no walk in the park. If you’re looking for a serious, long-term relationship, you’ll want to see the true colors of your new acquaintance early on. You won’t get far with the usual interview-like conversations. To really get to know your counterpart, you should:
- Plan an activity that includes a little adventure. An unpredictable activity will reveal plenty about the other person’s qualities.
- Make room for other people. You’ll see the social skills of your acquaintance as they interact with the people from your circle.
- Come up with more profound questions. You two should put your beliefs, values, and attitudes on the table from the start.
