4 Simple Ways to Get Others to Be More Honest With You
Without hooking them up to a lie detector.
The person who wakes up next to you every morning tells lies once or twice a day, and over the course of a week, that same person lies to 30% of the individuals with whom they interact.
It’s not me who comes to this conclusion but Bella DePaulo, a psychologist at the University of Virginia, in her study on lying.
Chances are, you’re among the deceived ones.
Seeing through the lies of other people isn’t easy, especially when you’re dealing with a master of lies. With all the desire for sincerity, no one likes to admit that knowing the whole truth isn’t necessary in every case.
For example, when you ask your friends if your new pants look good on you or what they think of the dinner you prepared, do you always want to know their true thoughts? Do you want to hear from their mouth that your new pants are too tight or that your cabbage soup smells like worn socks?
What counts is that your counterpart is honest about essential matters, for example, when it concerns your core values. But even then, many people find it difficult to be truthful. As with all types of negative behavior, one must understand what the motivation is for this behavior.
Simply put, people lie to protect themselves. They’re afraid that if they don’t lie, they run the risk of being rejected, isolated, and losing something.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the people you interact with could be honest without fear of not being accepted or losing something?
I’ve been reflecting on some people in my life with whom I can be effortlessly candid. These individuals show specific behavior patterns that I believe form a solid basis for an honest relationship.
And, of course, I don’t want to withhold my insights from you.
1. Talk About Your Imperfections With a Pinch of Self-Irony
People tend to tell you the untruth if your image seems too flawless to them. To live up to your “high standard,” they may tell their own stories in a distorted form — with exaggerations or even made-up details.
However, if you portray yourself as flawed by sometimes talking self-deprecatingly about your quirks, you will lower the bar for others. People will then feel less like they have to live up to high standards in your presence. They will be comfortable sharing their shortcomings as well.
Why fool the other person? Everyone has individual imperfections. What could be more liberating than when people meet each other authentically?
2. Confide Some Private Details to the Other Person
I have a charming colleague, a sales representative, with whom I can talk very frankly about a wide range of topics and have done so since the first day we met. Some time ago, he shared one of the secrets of his professional success. He has made it a habit to give prospects and customers insights into his private life without being asked. For example, he talks about his everyday life with his children and that he hopes to send them to a decent school someday. In his conversations, he is always careful to reveal only a few private details and, in return, not to expect any intimate details from his business partners.
The result is astonishing: his conversation partners also talk freely about their private lives. In doing so, they unknowingly reveal their personal needs, fears, dreams, values, and principles. Based on this information, my colleague can create a detailed profile of his (potential) customers and offer them solutions they really need.
So, the motto here is: blab a little, and the other person will probably do the same. This approach is also helpful outside of work to quickly and gently get to the invisible part of people’s iceberg.
The same way you casually share your shortcomings, your counterpart will open up to you when you reveal private details about your life.
3. Express Wishes Instead of Restrictions
Did you know that it is not always easy for the human brain to process the word “Don’t”? When you say a negative action-related sentence, your counterpart’s subconscious mind first jumps to the possible negative.
For example, if you want the other person to stop smoking and you say something like “Don’t smoke.”, they can’t help but think of the possible negative, smoking, first.
Negative phrases are not the best way to get what you want from the other person. Similarly, you don’t get very far with constant disapproval and condemnation of the other person’s behavior.
What am I getting at?
First of all, you cannot forbid anyone to do anything. You can’t disapprove of something and expect the other person to be excited about it. If your counterpart values their freedom, they will either run away or lie to you about what they have been doing. A more effective approach is to focus on the possible positive and express wishes about matters of great emotional value.
Let’s come back to the example of smoking. If you want someone to smoke less, consider what bothers you most about smoking.
Is it the nasty smell? Then tell the other person that you especially like it when someone smells nice. And if the person happens to smell great because they’ve put on perfume, for example, show your enthusiasm and make a compliment.
By expressing positive feelings and showing appreciation, you are more likely to achieve your goal than by emphasizing possible negative aspects.
4. Be the Living Example of Honesty
How fair would it be if you aren’t as honest as you expect others to be? Therefore, you should look in the mirror and ask yourself how much of a two-faced person you are. Do you want to cultivate honesty in your relationships? One thing is for sure, the people in your life will sense and appreciate that you are making an effort to be more honest.
Also, I believe that people have a fine sense of two-facedness. Liars won’t remember whom they have told which fairy tale throughout their lives. After all, (almost) nobody has the memory of an elephant. I’ve met people who retold their stories in a completely different way at a later point in time. They simply forgot their own lies, whereas I could perfectly remember the original version of their stories.
Be aware that others may remember your tales better than you do. It simply doesn’t pay to be deceitful — not only because your cover might be blown at some point, but mainly for moral reasons.
Let’s Recap
Everyone longs for honesty and authenticity in relationships. Honesty is the foundation for trust, and trust is necessary for a relationship to work and thrive. You can make it easier for the people around you, to be honest with you by:
- Not presenting yourself like a “Perfect-world-Instagram-profile” Instead, make it clear that you and your life are anything but perfect. That way, others will feel less the need to cover up their flaws.
- Randomly giving insights into your private life. Your counterpart will find aspects of your life with which they can identify and start gabbing.
- Focussing on positive messages rather than negative ones. If you give others their precious freedom, they are less likely to tell tall tales or make excuses.
- Being the living example of honesty yourself. What goes around comes around. Others will notice your honesty and be inspired.
Lastly, I’d like to quote a powerful statement by author Wanda Thibodeaux in her article for the magazine Inc.:
The more you can convince a liar that the threats they’re consciously or subconsciously perceiving aren’t an issue, the more they’ll probably relax, trust you and put their two-faced ways behind them.
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