3 Life Lessons I Learned From People Who Were Horrible to Me
#3. I’ll probably need to take some losses when I stand up for my values, but it’s worth it.
To this day, I’ve never gotten an apology or explanation from the people who were horrible to me. Unlike many TV series or fairy tales, where the evil characters eventually realize their mistakes and want to make it up to their victims, real life has rarely given me people of this greatness.
But that’s the way it is.
I’m at least at a point where I’ve figured out the reasons for other people’s misbehavior on my own. To cut to the chase, I’d like to share some personal experiences and break down the lessons they have taught me about life.
1. Bullies Are Not Born Bullies. They Usually Come From Dysfunctional Homes.
I met my first two bullies in first grade. Let’s call them Maria and Marc. Growing up in a village, I shared my way home from school with them. (Back then, kids walked home instead of being chauffeured by their parents.)
Every day after school, Maria and Marc waited for me, having the smile of the devil on their face. Then, they pushed me and picked on me all the way home. I felt terrible and ashamed because I didn’t fight back. So, I didn’t tell anybody. This ordeal continued for quite a while until I could no longer hide my tears from my parents. My mother finally ended the whole thing by going to Marc’s mom.
What I didn’t know and couldn’t have understood as a little girl was that Maria and Marc fought their very own battles at home. Maria’s father beat her mother so brutally that the neighbors could no longer pretend to be blind to the abuse. And Marc’s parents weren’t much happier. His mother ran off with another man one day, leaving Marc and his siblings behind.
It must have been terrible for these children to be exposed to such an environment daily. I met other bullies later in my life. Interestingly, they all had in common that they came from dysfunctional or unloving homes.
What I learned:
Abuse that takes place within a family never stays within the family. It also transfers to uninvolved persons. Maria and Michael decided to bully me to vent their anger. I suffered collateral damage.
Today, when bullies cross my path, I can tell where their aggression comes from. Unlike in first grade, I know how to defend myself.
I also learned to be grateful that my parents had a happy marriage of 48 years. They always provided a stable, loving home for my siblings and me. Someday, I want to give my children the same. However, I know I cannot keep my children from being bullied.
2. Truly Tolerant People Don’t Just Claim To Be Tolerant. They Have Diverse Friends.
I have another childhood story that repeated itself into my adult life.
I was born and raised in Germany as a child of Turkish immigrants. I’ve had a privileged life in this beautiful country and met countless open-minded people. But like most people with an immigrant background somewhere in the world, I also experienced racism from time to time.
The racism was rather subtle. But I also experienced the most primitive form of racism, like in middle school. My classmate Anna refused to hold my hand in gym class because I was of a different ethnicity than her. Some other children in the class behaved similarly toward me.
Strangely enough, you could count the number of students with an immigrant background at this school on one hand. So, I was predestined to be a victim of discrimination.
I’ve noticed that all the people who have seemed xenophobic to me have one thing in common: they have had a homogeneous circle of friends and lived in a homogeneous bubble their whole life. They hardly spent time with people from different ethnic groups.
What I learned:
Many people claim to be tolerant of people of other ethnic backgrounds but prefer to have friends like themselves. Truly tolerant, open-minded people, on the other hand, prefer to have diverse friends. For them, being open to other cultures means not only being enthusiastic about Asian restaurants, for example, but also making friends with people from Asian cultures.
I’ve always preferred to have a mixed bunch of friends. Otherwise, my life would’ve been boring as hell.
Apart from that, society benefits enormously when different groups grow together instead of forming separate communities.
3. I’ll Probably Need To Take Some Losses When I Stand Up for My Values, but It’s Worth It.
Two years ago, I experienced a significant loss: I lost my job at a software company from one day to the next. My two supervisors at the time didn’t give me any plausible reasons for my dismissal. Something stank to high heaven.
So I went on a search for the truth. I reflected on the events of the past months. I analyzed all possible reasons for my dismissal with my colleagues, who had become friends.
At some point, the scales fell from my eyes.
One of my superiors, who was also the managing director — let’s call him Peter — must have wanted to take revenge on me.
What had happened?
Before my dismissal, Peter and I had attended some trade shows with sales colleagues. I was doing my job well, and everyone was happy. Peter, however, made it his mission to humiliate me all the time in front of all my colleagues. He would say anti-women and other disrespectful things to me and then burst out laughing. He was trying to make his verbal attacks look like harmless jokes.
Being demeaned was one thing. Being demeaned by my boss several times in front of my colleagues was unacceptable.
So I politely and privately told Peter that I didn’t appreciate his behavior and that he should stop. I could tell from his reaction that no one from work had ever dared to confront him about anything. He quickly apologized, but I knew he didn’t like the criticism. What I didn’t realize was that my confrontation would have severe consequences for me.
What I learned:
Everyone used to be afraid of the C-level guys in that company. That was the corporate culture. My colleagues and I were like subjects in an absolutist monarchy. We weren’t allowed to open our mouths.
I firmly believe the confrontation with Peter cost me my job.
Do I regret what I said to him? Not one bit.
I know every firm has its a**holes, but Peter had gone too far. As a managing director and “role model,” he had repeatedly humiliated me. By doing so, he implicitly permitted my colleagues to treat me the same way.
I’ve learned from this experience to protect my dignity at all costs. I consistently draw a line before people start walking all over me. Because of that, I am now in an environment that truly suits me. I’ve found peace.
Closing Thoughts
When others mistreat us, it significantly impacts our personal development. Unfortunately, we are rarely made up for the cruelties we endure. Perhaps some things cannot be repaired anyway.
But that is no reason to fall into endless pessimism about life. Instead, we should read the messages that will help us move forward. We may learn to become more assertive. And we will probably find out who we really are and what counts in life.
“The human capacity for burden is like bamboo, far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.”
